A story about my suicide attempt.

       Hey everyone!! I hope everyone is doing well and amazing. Before I get into my topic today, this topic is a sensitive topic for me and it is kind of hard for me to talk about. I hope y'all have y'all tissues ready. Warning: This topic is about suicide. I am going to talk about how I felt throughout my life before my suicide attempt, why did I try to do it, how I got through it, and how I am feeling today. It is a sensitive topic for me to talk about I felt so suicidal for a long tine and I felt escaping from all of my problems and leave this world behind and forget everything. I didn't felt loved or anything like from people who I should felt loved by, but I didn't. 

Everyone thought I was this happy girl who was happy all the time but deep down inside, I was suffering. I was suffering something that I wished I had. Something like a mother and daughter relationship. I never had a good relationship with my mom and that hurt me growing up. My dad was always there for me and never left my side. My mom was in and out of my life most of my life. That hurt me so much. I had to go to my sisters for any relationship advice that I had or my sister, Tyna helped me with school work. It hurts not having my mom by my side. I felt so sad without her by my side. Not having my mom by side hurts me so much that I felt abandoned by her. I felt so alone. My heart ached to have her in my life. I remember her not being at my 15th birthday dinner and I also remembered her not being at any of my softball games or cheering games either. When I was a senior in high school, she promised me she would come to my senior night, but she broke her promise and she didn't show up which broke my heart so much. 

How I felt throughout my life before my suicide attempt? 

Throughout my life, everyone saw me as this girl who was always happy all the time and had a smile on my face. To be honest with everyone, I had a fake smile and I was never happy. I didn't feel happy all the time and I was hurting. I felt suicidal for a long time but I didn't have the urge to do it. I lost people who passed away in 2016 and 2017. In 2018, we moved into a great house and it is an amazing house. At time, I was feeling excited but at the same time, I wasn't feeling happy at all. On October 5th, 2018, I finally tried to commit suicide. I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't have a purpose in life anymore. I want to give up on my life. I didn't feel loved and I felt alone. I felt hurt. I was hurting and I was suffocating. I couldn't breathe because I was living a fake persona and I wasn't happy. I wanted to escape from the world forget about everything in this world. 

Why did I try to do it? 

The reason why I did try to do it because I felt worthless. I didn't feel loved. I felt so alone that I was tired of wasting my breath because I was tired of living. I was trapped somewhere that I shouldn't been. I was suffocating myself because I didn't love myself the way that should love myself. I felt people around me, but I felt like I wasn't here. I felt like I was somewhere else. I felt abandoned and alone. I was scared of people leaving me. That's why when I wanted to do it, I wanted to leave everything behind and forget my hurt and end my hurt but I couldn't because I have people who love me and I have great nieces and nephews who love me and who look up to me. I realized after that moment, I couldn't leave my life anymore. I couldn't miss the things I would be missing right now. I realized that I needed to live and I need to keep moving forward.

How I got through it and how I am doing today?

How did I get through it you may ask? Well, I got through it by realizing that I have people that love me for who I am. I am a lot stronger then I was before. I have who love me because they love me for who I am. I can tell them anything and they won't judge for who I am. What also helped me get through it is by doing what I love to do which makeup. I love makeup. Doing makeup and creating makeup looks is my passion. I love makeup so much. I love it a lot. How am I doing today? Well, I am doing well today actually. Sometimes, I have my ups and downs, but I get through them by listening to Kpop music because Kpop music makes me happy. I also watch videos of BTS that make me laugh until my ribs hurt. They put light into my dark world. They changed my life for the better and now, I am happy and myself again because of BTS. I love myself for who I am because of BTS. They are amazing guys who changed my life forever and I am glad that they did. I love them so much and they will forever be my 7 angels.

In conclusion!

In conclusion, I have went through a rough patch in my life but because of it, I got stronger and I am happy that I got through it. Yes, it is was the roughest thing I went through, but it made me a lot stronger then I was in 2018. I have improved my life a lot and I am doing things that I wouldn't imagine doing which is blogging. Blogging has helped me through so much. Just getting my story out there and see if people can connect and relate to my story or changes their life means everything to me. I couldn't done it without my family or my friends or my stepmom and dad. I am so blessed and happy that I could get through that rough patch in my life. 

Here is the tip of the day- Suicide doesn't have to be an option. Whatever you going through, just know that someone is here for you. Never give up because I love you for who you are and if you need someone to talk to, I am here for you. Never Give Up because I love you and I care about you. I will listen to you and I will listen to you. 

I love y'all and Brandee is out!! See y'all in my next blog!! 

The 7 guys who changed my life forever!! I love them so much. 

I love this song because it reminds to always love myself no matter what and whatever you are going through, just love yourself for who are and you will get through it.

Another song that I love by BTS because this song reminds me that you are never alone and that you will never walk alone in life and that someone is there for you no matter!!

Love y'all and take care! Peace out!!